Season of the Hermit

I am currently in one of the most solitary seasons of my life, in a way, it takes me back to being in high school. I spent a lot of time by myself then, with my older brother out with his friends(sometimes mine). I never knew exactly why I wasn’t one to receive an invite, I imagine it had to do with being “over emotional” and “dramatic”.A better way that I have come to understand it is, emotionally dysregulated, and traumatized.  

Anyways, this season has been mostly a choice, I have been letting go of the things and places that, as much as a part of me wants to be able to keep them in my life, ultimately I know is just holding me back. Keeping me from myself, and what I have been seeking out for my life. I wish that I could use this alone time more productively, I feel as if I am letting opportunity slip through my grasp. My creativity feels stunted, pulling teeth to try and get even the smallest ounce of writing, or drawing out. I feel empty, but overflowing at the same time.

I desire community, I desire friendship and companionship. I just don’t have any clue how to find it in a healthy way. Making new friends and connections is hard enough in your thirties, but add in trying to find people who are also focused on bettering their lives, focused on awakening and enlightenment. That makes it even more challenging. 

For nearly ten years, if I wanted social interaction, if I wanted to feel like I was a part of a community, I went to the bar. Specifically one bar, where faces were familiar, and a decent amount of friendships had been made. Hilariously enough, if I look back at those times, even surrounded by people, I still had the tendency to feel completely alone or on the outside of things. Something was missing. At this point in my life, I identify it as real connections. Everyone was there filling some hole or avoiding some feeling, including me. There was rarely, if ever a real connection of depth, that lasts. My friendships never seem to last, I never really felt like an investment to those friends, and there always seemed to be a moment where they lost interest. Or I pulled away for one reason or another, put my foot down and said no thank you. 

That’s been my biggest struggle lately, this loneliness, this isolation, is a making of my own. Maybe there were friendships worth lying down my desires, my needs, just to maintain a friendship. I know that there were a few friendships, where I was the one unable to be there for another, regrettably friends I turned my back on because of not knowing how to talk to them about how they were behaving. Maybe I am the terrible asshole that deserves to be alone, and feel alone. In the times that this has come up in conversation I am reassured that is not the case. But then why does this seem to be the perpetual state for me. 

I have been doing my best to focus on the benefits of this solitude. Diving into my spirituality, looking at myself with clearer lenses, and seeing how I can learn and grow out of old habits, and ways of thinking. But damn, it would really be nice to feel like I had people to talk to about all that I am discovering about myself, and that which I still question. At times, I remember to reach out to those friends I am still connected to, most of them live far away, or lead such busy lives that we rarely, if ever, see one another. I think something that holds me back from seeking new friendships, or even going to the old places to get just a small fix of a social life. Is the fact that I have realized my codependent behaviors, and how in the past I have clung onto people who I seem to connect with and use it as a scapegoat from facing myself. Which is something I am really trying hard not to do anymore. 

So here I am, doing my best to work through the blockages of creativity, the lack of inspiration, or rather the lack of clarity to share what inspiration does come. Continuing to be as patient as possible when it comes to my emotional, and spiritual growth. Recognizing that there really isn’t a destination at all, just the journey, and what I make of it. But it can be hard to feel like you're making much progress when you feel like an empty vessel. Consuming information, knowledge, and finding some understanding. But still having no idea what it is I am supposed to be doing with my life, and how to apply all that I’ve learned in a tangible way. Sometimes I am content with this, that maybe this is all there is, and all that really matters. After all, anything brought into the material physical world is bound to die or be destroyed or forgotten at some point. 

Sometimes I feel like I don’t know how to be alone, which is weird considering I have felt alone quite often throughout my life. What should I be doing with myself when there's no one to show it to, or talk to about it. It shouldn’t matter if there is no one to share it with, right? What should matter is that I am expressing myself authentically, through passions and mediums that make me feel more alive within this mortal coil. Is feeling alive the point though? Or is that the trap? 

At this point in life I am also wondering, did I become so familiar with the High highs, and the Low lows, as being the living experience. That when I am more emotionally regulated, I don’t really feel human at all? If that’s what I am doing, and it’s not me dissociating or numbing myself to the life experience. Sometimes I feel like it can be hard to tell the difference. 

I still believe I will find my way, through this season of hermitude, and I do find solace in it from time to time. I guess it's times like these, in the past where I would run to the bar, or text those friends to escape this feeling. That or a good binge watching of a series is an easy way to tune out. But as you can see, this is my attempt at not doing that. I think I am doing alright all things considered, but I can’t say I enjoy traveling through the emotions of it all. Maybe one day that will get easier, or maybe never. Maybe traveling through it is actual life, and all the things we do to avoid ourselves and discomfort is death. I think I already knew that, but it's so easy to forget and get lost in thinking everything else is what life is supposed to be. I can’t say I am glad to be reminded of that, but I am grateful.