Mercury & Magpies

You all are reading this at a later date, but today, the twenty-eighth of June of Two Thousand and Fourteen, is a landmark day in my life, and the journey I have been on for the past year and several months. Especially the last several months. When I first approached writing about this topic that I am addressing today, I thought I had to tell the story to learn, heal, grow, and move forward from it. In a way, I did; a couple of weeks ago, I finally faced a task that I knew I needed to approach for a longer amount of time than I would care to admit. The topic was that of the most recent relationship that I was in and the aftermath of it all.

The day I finally decided to sit down and write about it, in an attempt to find closure and finally let go and move on, across the yard I spotted a single Magpie feather. This synchronicity couldn't help but be laughed at (I will explain this more in a moment) and encouraged a six-hour writing session that resulted in over eight pages of my recollection and feelings about the relationship I had and all that resulted from it. For the next two weeks, I then procrastinated typing this essay of sorts to get ready to share with whomever chose to read it. The procrastination arose from not being sure if it was something I was meant to share or if the writing of it was enough. A few nights ago, I began to type it up, still feeling a lack of closure, prompted by receiving a message from my ex. I felt a small amount of that closure I so desperately wanted creep in, and for a moment, was convinced that sharing the story is exactly what I needed to do to officially end this cycle, let the past die, and allow the lessons from it to pollinate the next season I knew I was so close to entering.

This morning brought a paradigm shift into my perspective and life, and I now no longer feel that the story is the one to share. But rather, the paradigm shift itself, which brought in a crashing wave of closure, acceptance, forgiveness, and dare I say sublime joy. Now I sit here, typing on my keyboard, fresh with new life, new perspective, and completely filled with awe in the magick that has been at work in my life for longer than I was willing to recognize. I am trying to sort out just how I explain this formative part of my life, and what many of the people who knew this relationship will feel is a bit crazy. But if I have learned anything on my spiritual journey, it is often that when someone shares a moment of awakening or enlightenment, they often seem a bit crazy.

Magpies are of the Corvus family, crows, jays, and ravens being among its relatives. My entire life, I always thought magpies were a beautiful bird; at one point, I even claimed I wanted one as a pet until the idea was shamed from my head because my brother fervently told me they were scavengers, disgusting birds, etc. A very long time passed until I began to pay attention to magpies, and that was when my ex entered the picture. He had a connection with them, to say the least, and was fond of informing me of their folklore and spiritual meanings. From what I have come to understand without doing much research of my own, magpies have taken on associations of being tricksters, connected to death, much like their cousins. They mate for life and mourn their dead. Magically, magpies are associated with occult knowledge, communication, wisdom, magic, and divination. It is said they are believed to open the gateway to realms of the spirit. Claimed associations to gods and goddesses are that of the Greco-Roman Apollo, as well as Bacchus and Dionysus, Norse giantess Skadi, and goddess Hel; some also associate them with Hekate. I, myself, after the experience of this relationship and the past several months, am inclined to associate Magpies with the Greco-Roman god Mercury, also lovingly known as Hermes. My felt need for explaining these qualities and associations of the magpie will hopefully make sense through my writing this.

For the past several months, I have been warring with, reconciling, and honestly trying to put to death (in the most spiritual sense) my relationship with… let’s call him Magpie so I don't have to continue saying my ex. Our relationship was a powerful one in many different ways, oftentimes in very toxic ways. Magpie changed the trajectory of my life, spiritual and physical. Before meeting him, I was a proclaimed Christian who truly did believe in an all-powerful being and spirit and human manifestation of that. I hated going to church because something always felt off; there were things I could not reconcile or understand about the religion, and for all of my life belonging to it, I always felt a bit on the outside of it all. Magpie, for all of his faults and his own humanity, was a necessary part of my life, one that I can finally say I do not regret, and can very much see how things could not have gone any differently than they did. This is not to excuse his behavior or mine in the ways we hurt one another. And it also does not discount the pain and betrayal I experienced. But nonetheless, today of all days, after this wretched journey I have been on, I have realized that Magpie was my Mercury (this is funnier still being that he is a Gemini), my psychopomp, my harbinger of death. He led me into the deepest parts of the underworld, and then I had to learn how to cross the river Styx on my own accord.

Without going into too much detail, in our relationship, I experienced a spiritual awakening, one that brought me to see that I was in fact never truly a Christian at least in the dogmatic right, but that was the only way I knew how to describe what I believed in. He helped me heal sexual trauma; he broke down barriers and walls that had long been erected around myself. He pulled out some of my darkest, most shameful shadows, forcing me to face them, even if I didn't quite feel ready. He showed me that there was so much of myself to discover, and he also revealed to me that my greatest value in life is becoming the person I was born to be, the highest, best version of myself that exists outside of time and space, but is also from the past and in the future. Yet here with me in the present, working to reveal myself to me. He showed me how powerful I am capable of being, how much I understand without knowing. He reignited my passion for learning, for philosophy, psychology, history, and mythology. He showed me that there is magic in the world and that I am a sorcerer, a high priestess, and a pythoness.

Up until today (June twenty-eighth), it was hard for me to not feel like all of that was a lie because of the betrayal and lies I experienced from him. I wanted to separate it, vivisect it, because for so long my heart felt like the love, power, and spirituality we cultivated and shared, could not be experienced in tandem with all of the horror that arose as well. Enter the paradigm shift: I was doing my daily tarot reading with my recently acquired Thoth Tarot deck. The card I drew was Death. I am no longer scared of death, at least in the spiritual sense. Magpie helped begin the journey of being comfortable with the uncomfortable sensation of death wrapping her arms around you and learning to embrace it. Of course, as my spiritual journey has deepened and continued, I have become convinced I was made for death, that I have been closely connected to it my entire life, which is another blog post entirely. Anyway, back to the specific Thoth Tarot card of the day. Upon drawing this card, I laughed a bit; I've gotten this card quite often as my card of the day recently, and I have had the feeling of being so close to the ending of this cycle, to being just a step away from resurrection and rebirth. I was inclined to look up specifically what Aleister Crowley's interpretation of Death was, considering I already came to understand the basic meanings of this card in the tarot. Before moving forward and stating what I learned from looking into the Thoth meaning specifically, I feel compelled to share that in my Christian life, a phrase I began to tell myself a lot was “I die daily," this coming from somewhere in the Bible, that I was never good at memorizing the “addresses” of verses as my mom would say. This was my reminder that I must die to myself and in the surface-level teachings of Christianity, so that I may follow god and his path for me.

That being said, here is what I learned of Aleister Crowley’s interpretation. As I could not find an online version of “The Book of Thoth,” I found probably what is second best to it, which was Lon Milo DuQuette’s book “Understanding Aleister Crowley’s Thoth Tarot: New Edition.” I am going to write the bullet notes I wrote down in my journal; some of this is for knowledge and understanding. The other parts of it are because of the resonance it had with me. 

- The child of great transformers

- The Lord of the gate of death

- It is the astrological trump of Scorpio.

- Mars Rules - Pluto Exalted

- Hebrew Letter: Nun (fish) 

- Tree of life: Path 24, joining Tiphareth - beauty to Netzach - Victory 

- “The universe is change; every change is the effect of an Act of Love; All acts of Love contain Pure Joy. Die Daily!”  

-Dead fish decay quickly and smell terrible; the secret of life is in that stinky stuff.  

-Putrefaction is what the death card is all about.  

-“In the alchemy of the tarot, the stink of putrefaction is the sweet smell of impending success.”  

I cannot describe all of the poignant epiphanies I had while reading through this, but man, it was like a machine gun of light just punching holes into the fabric of everything I know and believed to know. Some of it confirmed philosophies I have had throughout my life and recently, some of it shredded to bits every ounce of resentment I had towards Magpie. Magick was doing its work, a seed that I can’t even remember being planted, bloomed suddenly and fast. It was a nearly indescribable experience for me. At this point, I feel it is best to share what I wrote in my journal following this reading;  

“I feel that this is really speaking to the ending stages of the relationship that Magpie and I shared. I also feel it has given me insight into the relationship itself and how it reeked of death. And suddenly my perspective is changed; Magpie is Mercury, or was at that point in time. He was leading me to the underworld, forcing me to embrace death. And now I am thankful to him, to the relationship. For without it, I would not be on the spiritual path that I am, I would not have recovered parts of myself that I long thought dead. Wow, what a paradigm shift! To have spent so long wrestling with reconciliation, with letting go, with forgiving him, with wanting to forget him entirely. Being so confused about our relationship and why it happened the way it did. Damn. To end up here, and I am thankful for every point of the process. I am also thankful that the writing I was doing is no longer necessary and that it had inspired an entire new writing for me. A new journey to be shared and the results of it. Wow, Wow, Wow. This is just quite remarkable, miraculous, magick truly. Thank the gods and thank you Crowley for this piece of the puzzle, this perspective and closure in my life. What a path and journey it has been. I can’t believe I am saying this, but I am actually at a point where I believe Magpie and I could have a friendship, or at least a scholarly, philosophical one. I know my boundaries would need to be clear and taken seriously on his part. But holy shit. I don't think I ever would have imagined this. There are really no words to describe it. Fuck, I am floored and so ready to get this perspective and journey out on a page and share the magick I encountered firsthand. So many synchronicities, so many things lining up.”  

So what’s next? I cannot be sure, but like the fool, I step off of that precipice, free-falling into what comes next. I know that there is potential for Magpie and I to have a relationship again, never like the one before. While all of this has happened, I also know for certain that to trust him in the ways I once did, with my heart, with my body, with an intimate relationship, are not possible. I am already on a different journey when it comes to that. However, depending on the choice we both make, there is a potential for great friendship and for the thing I think I have mourned the most, an incredible and enlightening spiritual and philosophical relationship. By that, I mean I have never stopped valuing and admiring his intelligence and his ability to make connections. I will not deny that for all of his faults and shortcomings, he was a great teacher to me. I cannot predict the future, but I can choose how to move forward in this world, and I am very grateful, no matter how crazy it seems to others, that I can see something good to come from something so chaotic, but death and creation could be nothing else.  

So why am I sharing this? I hope that for anyone who reads it, they can see that true love and light don’t come without embracing death and darkness. That for all the traumas and terrible life experiences we face, their decaying remains feed the life that is ahead of us, if we are willing to search deep enough for it. To show that true forgiveness, reconciliation, and healing is possible. To celebrate myself and the persistence and tenacity I had in finding true closure, true healing, and true forgiveness. Don’t be fooled; this was a heart-wrenching, painstaking, extremely uncomfortable, and sometimes unbearably hard journey and path that I took. Death is not easy, or comfortable, but if you can learn to embrace her grip and lie in the dirt with her, sit in that cauldron that all things go at the end of their life to be transformed and born again into the next, it is absolutely worth it.

It is now November,

and I am finally posting this. Magpie and I have not reconnected, though he does know about my reconciliation and closure of our relationship. He enters my mind every now and then, mostly when I am feeling like I have made a big connection and that I don't seem to have anyone to share and discuss it further with. I miss being connected with a person who, regardless of their faults, was determined to dig deeper into the meaning of everything and to confront himself in ways I honestly have rarely seen in others. It's also in times when I hope he is growing, that he is moving beyond the shackles that living in a shadowy world creates. I hope he has found his own reconciliation and that he is accomplishing the hard tasks of defeating his own demons so to speak. While there is the longing for a connection to those who study life and the purpose of living, what we as humans have to do with the life we have been given, I recognize that our paths have diverged and are not meant to come in contact. That it is now my time to branch out and go find those people for myself. I feel like so many who know me have a hard time understanding how I could be thankful for that relationship. 

As I said before, I would not be where I am now without it. The universe, existence at that, is filled with light and darkness, and you cannot have one without the other. This relationship, for me, is a shining example of what can become of yourself and your life when you are willing to accept them both and see that the light as well as the dark have an integral role to play, not just in your own, but in everything's existence.

Now, whenever I see or hear a magpie, I remember that I cannot cross over to where I was once before. That to even try to move backwards would be impossible, not to mention excruciating. I am reminded of an Aphorism of Pythagoras, “Having departed from your house, turn not back; for the furies will be your attendants.” Manly P. Hall explains this thus “Any who begin the search for truth, and after having learned part of the mystery, become discouraged and attempt to return again to their former ways of vice and ignorance, will suffer exceedingly; for it is better to know nothing about Divinity than to learn a little and then stop without learning all.” So I continue to follow the distant call of that magpie, forward through the heavy wood, casting light and shadows, knowing in the end it came from and will return to the same place.